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June

Assalamualaikum.

As usual, it has been quite sometimes since the last time I wrote here. I’ve been reading less English book, only reading selected medical text while studying about a disease and Facebook postings. So please bear with my grammar and  haphazard style of writing. Haha!

Anyways June is my birthday month. It used to be a happy month for me but nowadays I felt so gloom. Maybe because I used to expect gifts from my parent but since I’ve been working, earning money and married, of course you will not get one (other than my spouse 😀.

Maybe it is the age. I mean yes we should be grateful with each passing birthday (for completing a year) but then, it just meant we are nearing to death. After all, as days by days goes, I am not expecting anything because

“great things will happen if you have less expectation”- Phil-o-sophy, Modern Family

Pessimist much?

It felt quite so gloom living a life without target. I mean yes my target is to live easy and happy but then it just so general.

I felt so comfortable with my current life. I don’t think I am going to specialized in the nearest future but then my bosses have been asking what I am going to do. One was keep pestering me to go to a Family Medicine Conference. I’d love to go but then I have to fork out RM 350 for 3 days course or RM 100 for one day course so I was like errr… better use that money to go to Cameron Highlands haha! My boss said can ask from the department but I think it is so unlikely for me to get sponsored.

I also thought that money is better use for those who is already in the master program.

Speaking about money, my salary is just enough paying for bills and credit cards. Even I have outstanding credit card balance. Barely enough for saving. I need to prepare for my pension now.

On the other notes, I have been watching a Korean Drama “Hwarang” with my wife. But I don’t really watch all the of them, just bits by bits and my wife will tell me the story.

Anyhow watching these Korean Drama just making me missed my studying days. At that time, my biggest concern was to get graduated. I missed staying at home laying down doing nothing for a day, finishing the Korean Drama series by series luls.

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Renovatio

Prologue

Was watching a Korean series titled “Operation Proposal”. In short, about a man who goes back to the past to confess to his crush who got married to other people in the present.

“Renovatio” was the chant to go back to the past

While watching the series, my wife gave out a question to me.

“If you can go back to relive the past, when will you go?”

Oh my. The question made felt dumbstruck for a while. Three reasons.

  1. Realized it was impossible so I never give it a thought.
  2. Is generally happy with current condition.
  3. Was wondering is this a test question? Is there a wrong and right answers? 😂

After contemplating for a while, I guess I will go back when I was 16year old. A Form four student.

I think I’ll go towards a different career pathway.

Maybe, teaching. Or science computer related.

But then the force is strong towards getting into the teaching profession.

My current job is okay yet I am envious of those teacher who got school holiday.

And relatively less demanding job. Like nobody will sue you if your student failed his/her exams.

Haish.

This thought sure make one think a lot.

Fate

Dah lama tak update. Well, dulu ade pernah draft blog spot kat iphone notes, tapi malangnye iphone dah jatuh dan mengalami kerosakan. Sedih.

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Trauma

Arakian, beberapa bulan lepas aku dah apply untuk pertukaran. Nak masuk ke Klinik Kesihatan (KK). Ye la, aku dah tak larat nak oncall. Tanggungjawab besar sangat. Honestly, aku benci untuk buat keputusan untuk orang lain. Sebab tak nak risau pasal implikasinya. Sesetengah KK ade oncall jugak tapi aku rase maybe kurang sibut kot? Ye la anything refer hospital je.

Tambahan pula suasana hospital aku yang tak condusif langsung. Haish. Rase terbiar. Kene buli dengan PKD. Apa-apa hal hospital jugak salah.

So tadi  aku call JKN, nampaknya tak diluluskan. Tunggu next meeting bulan November pulak.

Adeh. Sedihnye.

Kawan kawan aku banyak dah dapat kelulusan untuk transfer starting next month. Haish.

Tapi kan, aku pon cuak jugak dengan decision aku ni. Sesuai ke aku kerja KK? Dok JPL pon dah berbulu. Haha.

Ntahla. Sekarang ni, aku rase insecure sangat. Takut something wrong happened during my calls. Aduh.

Last few oncall, aku pernah rase stress gila sebab ade budak tak stable (nafas laju) dalam ward. Tapi hospital besar penuh takde katil. Doktor kat hospital besar tu pesan, “you just continue doing what you are doing now. If child deteriorates, call us back”.

Like seriously????? Tunggu deteriorate???

OMG. Kalo deteriorate, and God forbid pass away, menjawabla aku dalam meeting kematian adui….

Time tu dah la sorang budak yang aku refer ke hospital besar baru meninggal. Tunggu masa je untuk pergi ke mesyuarat kematian tu. Alhamdulillah meeting tu dah selesai.

Aku dah nekad dah if anything bad happened to that child, aku nak run away nak hilangkan diri huhuhu….

Alhamdulillah akhirnya budak tu berjaya transfer pergi ke hospital besar.

Stress sangat. Dah la boss takde nak support langsung. You are on your own.

Alhamdulillah la aku ade Allah sebagai tempat untuk mengadu. Hari hari pergi kerja dengan doa. Huhuhu

Esok aku oncall. Tapi arini standby. Now hospital dah call. haish.

Recent

It was 10 months since my last post here, and almost 5 months since I have finished my housemanship.

What a phase.

And now, I am a district medical officer with one thing in mind: hoping for easy job.

Being a district MO has it own perks. Sometimes it was so chills, sometimes it was so havoc. Thus, the need for me to pray for the best every single day.

Currently, I am incharge of outpatient department. Literally, a 8 am to 5 pm job in a government institution. l was hoping to get into the Klinik Kesihatan posting but I think albeit the oncall, my job scope currently may resembles a KK MO.

However, for some reason, I felt so empty inside. It could be because I rarely pray at the mosque, reading al Quran and giving alms. I felt so bored sitting inside the clinic attending patients.

Patient nowadays are so demanding, and if I may say so, ‘manja’. Got a cough and runny nose for 2 days, already seek the doctor. Fever started this morning, this afternoon already went to the clinic.

Like have you ever heard of home remedies? Have not you ever tried curing yourself first?

Honestly, I think the cause of all of this is due the cheap registration fees. RM1. RM1 for blood taking, for consultation, and for medications.

But then, I don’t feel like taking in charge of the wards. The ward looks chills all the time, but when it doesn’t, it was scary. And honestly sometime while I was oncall and was not sure what to do with my patient, I just admit them and let my colleague to decides. LOLs.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. Maybe I should be more grateful.

Lately, I’ve been seeing some of my friend has started to quit being a doctor.

I felt like quitting too. But then I am not sure of what am I going to do.

Oh my. Wish I could retire early. And going to travel.

But then again, I don’t think that I am that interested to travel. I just was to lay down at home.

Maybe I am just getting older.

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Hidden disease

Just another lovely morning (well since I was in Surgical posting, everyday is a lovely morning, so far. LOLs) when I came to the ward doing morning review. A very nice Chinese auntie was admitted, presenting with unable to pass motion for 3 days, with history of altered bowel habit for 2 months. She has done colonoscopy (putting camera to look at the large bowel) in private hospital, and found a constricting lesion. HPE taken, showed Adenocarcinoma. It was documented in the BHT that the family knows the diagnosis, but the patient still don’t know about it.

My heart sank. But then I think well if the surgeon removed the tumour, all is well.

Then during rounds the specialist ordered for urgent CT TAP, to look for the extend of the tumour.

On the next day, the report was ready. It has gone to the liver and to the lungs.

Oh my.

Then, not much can be done. Probably they will gave her Chemo, to try to shrink the tumour. But then, factoring the age, maybe they will “leave the patient alone”.

If a person doesn’t died young due to accident or heart attack, later when he/she gets old, he/she will die due to cancer.

Not to mention getting the self-initiated disease like diabetes, hypertension, heart attack (for eating too much) and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (for smoking).

That is life. No one can escape death.

I have given some thought about life. Honestly if you asked me, I really really want to stop being a HO, if there’s option. But then, money is always the issue la. Like I am not sure what else I can do to find the money.

Thinking again, well, the world is temporary. I think I should’ve only prioritize aiming for the after-life. I think I could live simple without money.

But then nafsu kan?? Nak itu, nak ini. Tsskk

End of posting

Alhamdulillah. In a few days more, I’ll be ending my posting. I already got my specialist signature, currently I am looking forward to collect the medical MO’s signature.

Honestly, I think I love being in Medical posting. To get history, to examine patient, and to think what are the diseases that cause all that symptoms.

I love brainstorming. But I hate to read. Haha

However, I don’t think I could handle the work burden. Well I think I could, but maybe by that I need to forget being married and to remember that have a family. Haha

I think being a medical MO is not easy. Sometimes when you admit a certain patient because you suspect that he/she could have sometime “more”, in the end your colleague or bosses might just smirk that you admit a case that need not admission, filling up the already full wards.

Haish.

I was stuck in the same ward from start until the end of posting. I thought it will boring, but then the works are never the same everyday, and never finished.

I was planing to start my end of posting holidays on Tuesday however my newly elected ward captain said it was impossible because there are a serious shortage of houseman until next next week.

Oh my.

I don’t want to get screamed by my specialist again. Haish.

But then, I don’t have much plan for my EOP holidays. Now I got two unused holiday.

Oh wait! I may already made a certain somebody mad. So I need to use my holiday to make up for that 😛

Please pray for me that everything will going on well.

Toodles!