Deficiency of self esteem

Unrelated note: “deficiency” for Egyptians means a total “absence”. E.g: deficient in mitochondria mean NO mitochondria. Heck, “deficient” by Oxford Dictionary means “not having enough of a specified quality or ingredient:“. For my case, I use the Oxford’s definitions. OK. Rubbish talk. Abaikan.

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It came. Again. The crap-like feeling.  Feeling when you see everyone around you are too superior than you while you yourself thinking like you are the most inferior of them all.

No.. no… It is not caused by depression in winter, but I think I’ve watch too much Korean and Japan drama. Most of the dramas that I watch evolve around people who have endless amount of money, too successful in their fields and have many other great things. Which,  make me wanted to be like them. And then things starting to become severer by me blaming my past. Like wondering what would happen if I do this, if I do that and so on.

It keep on going for two weeks now.

But then, when I watch the Japanese drama titled JIN, everything seem… well, not so bad at all. Maybe you have read someone’s post rambling about difficulty and the troublesome in taking medical field. As for myself, I think I am in the same shoes like her too. But now, it made me again, to realize the most important factors that keep me going.

Aside from to fulfill my parent expectation, I also like to cure people and bring happiness to them. From television series, the part that I like the most is when the diseased patient finally cured. Talking about happiness, well up till now I realized I might need to scold the patient if needed for their own sake. LOL. But I still observing and learning. We’ll see which types of doctor I’ll be.

A brief introduction about drama JIN is it about a present brain surgeon transported back into the past era accidentally (if you care enough in History, in the Japan’s Edo era).  Can you believe how ancient it is? So, the story revolve on how he help treating people even with sufficient tools and surgical equipment. It is a very interesting story. It makes you think a little more about your patient. You shouldn’t see a middle age women only as a women. She might be a wife and an also a mother.

This drama great. I mean, other drama about too successful people just making me envying them like hell, while the drama about loser people making me stressed (because you feel like wanting to slap them for behaving like that. LOL). The heroin is cute also.

So now, I think my first step is to get away from my laptop.

Fourth year outing

It’s been a while since the last time I enter any competition. It is because the trend is always like when I’m about to win, suddenly there’s other people who are better than me. For example in my high school, I’m almost confident to get in the first place in spear throwing (because I am the few ones knew how to throw them), then suddenly out of nowhere other people came showing their hidden talent, winning it thus making me to settle down as a runner-up.

The situation gotten worst when my mother said, “People only remember the best. Not the 2nd or the 3rd best”. Well of course she was saying that to encourage me to study harder so I could get the best future. Of course not to become a person who deliberately wanted to win by ANY means. Well I think I like to try that someday. LOL

So after that, I’m feeling very hesitated to enter any competition. Also, it makes me like to choose a hobby or sport that not many people know how to play it (mostly expensive hobbies. LOL). Like ice skating, skiing etc.

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Finally on yesterday, I finally manage to gather my courage to take part for bowling preliminary. However my skills is not sufficient. There’s freaking a lot of people way better than me. Result click here.

But fret me not, because they said to be the best in something, you must give at least 1000 hours of effort into it. So I think my hours of playing is not so much compared to all the chosen one. Now I really need to find other things that I think I good at…

Looking on the bright side, at least I won’t bother to practice more for the upcoming annual sports day. Which is a blessing in disguise for me. I couldn’t work well if being pushed to do something and also in pressure.

Yesterday night was also fun. For a small gathering of the Fourth year. Thanks to the organizer, Pok Nik Arif.

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Lastly, I would like to wish all the chosen one congratulation, good luck and all the best. Win, for the sake of our batch!

p/s: Anyone wanted to take part in cheering club??

Hari ini

*short note*

Dia Tuan Puteri. Aku hanyalah pengawal Taman Istana Larangan. Cinta terlarang, bagaimana bisa mungkin? Haha… gilos~~ (pengaruh drama)

Penulis yang gila

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Jadi aku akan menghadapi perperiksaan pada hari Sabtu ini, bersamaan 16 Januari 2010. Pada mulanya aku berasa sangat tenang. Kerana aku selalu menghadiri kelas praktikal klinikal tanpa ponteng, kecuali pada hari pertama bermulanya klinikal aku itu. Doktor-doktor yang mengajarku semuanya baik-baik belaka. Mengajarku dengan penuh tekun. Dan mereka sememangnya telah memberikan aku jika tidak semua, separuh keyakinan untuk aku menghadapi perperiksaan pada hari Sabtu yang mendatang ini. Ringkas dan padat ilmu yang diberikan.

Penulis yang kerek lepas study (disclaimer: gambar hiasan. Perut di dalam gambar tidak menunjukkan perut penulis yang sebenar)

Namun apakan daya. Ku pikir cerah sampai ke petang, rupanya aku butuh mengangkat bajuku ketika tengah hari kerana jiran rumah atas mahu mencuci balkoninya. Ibarat gelas wine berkaki kesayangan ku yang pecah berderai jatuh ke lantai, begitu la juga keyakinan aku. Hari ini, Doktor yang aku terponteng kelas pertama klinikal, hari ini antara aku dengan dia bagaikan bertemu buku dengan ruas.

Pecah kaca pecah gelas

Bukan, bukan bergaduh. Tetapi begitu banyak ilmu yang dicurahkan oleh Doktor itu sehingga aku meragui tentang apakah yang aku baca selama ini? Betapa cemasnya diriku kerana yang diulang kaji bersama Doktor, tidak aku ketahui. Ironiknya, ini la kali pertama aku bersua dengan beliau.

Aku resah, gelisah, dan gundah.

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Jadi, pohon doakan untuk kejayaan kami semua, dan semoga semuanya berakhir sebaik-baiknya. Masa masih panjang dan aku sedar aku perlu bergerak jauh daripada komputer riba yang melalaikan. Salam 1Malaysia. Babai.

Untitled

Without belief, I’m waiting for love
Without belief, I’m hurting for love
I became a fool after my soul left
and cried staring at the sky

Without a word, I always believe
Without a word, I hope for everything
But even as the breath of yours remains
You’re always out of my reach
Without a word, my heart is leaving again
Without a word, my heart has thrown me away
Now how can I reply? This voice could never be heard, could never be understood

Why is my heart so hurting
Why won’t it stop this hurting
You can’t be here anymore
Just that you don’t belong here anymore
As this won’t go anywhere

Malaysia visa-free status in Britain

Read here.

That’s such a relief. Maybe I should postpone my trip. LOL

Tahun Baru

Lagi 30 minit nak masuk tahun baru 2010. Waktu mesir la. kalau waktu malaysia dah lame dah. entah la… tetiba rasa terpanggil untuk buat post pasal tahun baru. sejak ade tugas-tugas khas ni, aku busy sket. Eceh~

Jadi selalunya bile tahun baru menjelma, orang selalu buat azam. Aku? Entah la.. aku macam tak percaya sangat pada azam ni. Dulu die pinjam duit aku pastu buat-buat lupe. Eh silap. Tu azam yang lain.

Bagi aku, bile ade azam, nanti hidup tak fleksible. Sebab sepanjang tahun sebok nak capai azam tu. Last2 bile nak akhir tahun, mule la gelabah. bagi aku, hidup ni pengembaraan. Pengembaraan tak perlu ada matlamat khusus. Yang penting teladan yang kita dapat daripada pengembaraan tu.

Orang kata kalau nak berazam, ade panduan-panduan die. Macam kalau kate nak turunkan berat, kene spesifik berapa kg. sebab kalau tak spesifik, nanti turun 500 gram pon kira turun jugak. So kejap je la tercapai matlamat tu. Bende2 begini bagi aku melecehkan. watpe penat2 merancang azam, last2 tak tercapai pon. Buat penat je. haha.. gila la pessimist.

Anyway, aku lebih percaya kalau nak berazam, baik berazam bende yang umum, menyeluruh dan simple. Macam berazam untuk jadi lebih baik, lebih mesra pelanggan, lebih rajin study etc etc. So by the end of the year, kalau bende2 tu tercapai walaupun sedikit, at least aku dah boleh berasa puas hati.

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Anyway, sekarang ni aku macam menyesal pasal satu perkara. bende tu selalu terbayang-bayang dalam fikiran aku. traumakah aku?? benarla kata aku, sesuatu itu akan lebih dihargai bila ia tiada…

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Jadi sebagai pesanan untuk mengakhiri post terakhir utk tahun ini, saya mengucapkan:

SELAMAT TAHUN BARU 2010

Menjawab persoalan

Aku tau. Mesti korang tertanya-tanya pasal pos yang pelik sebelum ni. Saja je buat gimik. Tapi ade ke patut ade orang kate aku dah gile?? Ish ish ish… sungguh kejam statement itu..Aku tak gila ar.  Aku gila-gila remaja je. Hehe…

Sebenarnye ade bende yang tersurat dan tersirat yang aku ingin tintakan pada hari semalam namun korteks aku pintas memberi buah pandangan agar aku berfikir secara masak-masak kerana ditakuti akan menyinggung perasaan sesiapa sama ade secara sengaja atau pun tidak sengaja.

Tapi tetiba ade suara halus dari neraka berbisik, “Kisah ape tulisan ko orang nak terasa ke tak. Ini blog kau. Suka hati kau la. Kalau mereka itu mahu membaca perkara-perkara yang bisa menenangkan hati mereka, suruh mereka nyah dari sini lalu buka dan tulis blog sendiri. Itulah yang terbaik untuk mereka”.

Tapi jangan gusar, gentar, gelisah mahupun resah. Kerana aku tidak reti menyinggung perasaan sapa-sapa. (ye la tu. haha)

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Jadi berlalu la sudah seminggu penggal pembelajaran bagi kelas Perubatan Dalaman. Sebenarnye mungkin tidak mencapai tempoh seminggu bagi aku, kerana ada kecacatan dari segi jumlah kehadiran ku. Nak buat macam mana, siapa suruh dilakukan peperiksaan pada waktu yang tidak sesuai??

Sedikit sebanyak telah berlaku berapa perubahan sementelahan perubahan daripada kelas Pembedahan. Pertamanya, aku dimasukkan ke dalam kumpulan yang baru. Yang mana majoriti ahli-ahli kumpulan ini telah ku terpisah daripada mereka sejak bermulanya sesi pembelajaran tahun ini. Kebanyakan ahli kumpulan itu juga merupakan kaum Hawa. Jadi nak tak nak ade secuit perasaan janggal terbit di dalam hatiku. Aku kan… pemalu. *batuk* *batuk*. Tapi takpe, semakin hari semakin sayang hilangla perasaan janggal itu insya Allah.

Perubahan kedua, aku telah hilang cuti berturut-turut satu setengah hari. Cuti separuh hari tidak lagi jatuh pada hari Khamis. Sebaliknya pada hari Rabu. Hal ini sedikit sebanyak melemahkan semangat aku untuk menghadiri kelas Tafaquh mingguan. (eceh~)

Alamak. Macam tak bermaya la pos ni. Ah peduli ape. Huargh huargh huargh~

One week

It’s almost the end of the week folk’s!!

It is a custom, religion or just random?

I was planning to fulfill my 40% of my Eid Adha hols by fooling around, and spending the rest by studying, figuratively. But instead, I spent all of the doing nothing academically important. Well maybe once I tried to arrange my lecture’s slides. But that’s just it. And now, I somehow a little bit regretful. But hey, we don’t regret things that we do, but we regret thing that we don’t do. At least I’ve been to Sinai. Read about it here and here.

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I am (and maybe always will) not in favor (but I will go if you ask me to join you ) of traveling in anywhere in Middle East. I mean, on the purpose of leisure. For religion’s sake that’s just another story.

I’ve been to Europe (Western Europe), but not trying to be boastful, I just prefer Europe than Middle East. There are a lot of reasons that making me feeling like that.

First, the public transport in Europe is good if not excellent. I mean, if you’re just arriving from the airport, or just getting in by bus, there’s always be a convenient public transport to the city. Or, maybe you’re just arriving inside of the city itself. Taxi is not my thing. But here in Middle East (like Egypt) the bus station is just in the middle of nowhere. When you just trying to get out from the bus, people swarming stating the destination but NEVER the price. When asked, I felt like I want to ___________ (fill in the blank with suitable word. I meand WORD. not wordS But go on if you have a lot to say)

They have minivans (or known as Trenco), but even that’s expensive!

I mean, it is not our fault that we lost our way. It is the functionality of the city itself that was wrong. (Yeah, I realize I’m finding excuses. LOL)

Secondly, never ever you’ll find a premise offering a fixed affordable price for a service in Egypt. Even for accommodation. Like in Egypt when you’re trying to buy things, the first said price always outrageous.I’ve read somewhere, there’s a rule (not sure if it is a written or non-written rule) in a country that tourist need to pay more. I hope it is not Egypt. Because in Islam, we are taught to be kind to the foreigner.

If a innocent foreigner tourist wanted to buy something, he/she might just bought it with those prices. It is cheating right? And in Islam, the religion of the sellers themselves, cheating is sinful. I am not so religious by myself but by knowing this trends, it saddens me. How to promote Islam if the Muslims themselves are not behaving accordingly?

My friend have a conversation with a Canadian women during our last trip. She was saying,

I seldom like to talk with Egyptian. If they talk to me, they either wanted to sell me something, or they just wanna sleep with me

Sex out of marriage? That’s is so low.

During my trip to Europe, all my conversations are in English. But once, due to some technical problem, we need to sleep in a hotel, which governs (during our late hours of check-in) by a non-English-speaking men in forties. We already ask a French receptionist in the ski resort to make a reservation for us. During our encounter with the hotel owner, we are just using sign language, and to my astonishment, the price is the same as said by the receptionist. In Egypt, for that thing to happen, that’s a dream. You’re more likely to be overcharged with the fact that you can’t speak Arabic.

It’s happening. The non-Muslim are more Islamic than the Muslims themselves. So how to say no alcohol and no sex after marriage to them, when those who didn’t practice that, are no better that those who’s being preached?

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So, here I would try to put and understanding on the things that happen.

On the bad behavior

Everybody doesn’t love Arabs specifically Egyptian. Or maybe some. Or few. Or just me. LOL. Wait, I don’t hate them. I’m just natural.

So they said most of the Prophets came from the Arabs. Which one would said,

Of course, they are the most uncivilized person on earth! Of course they are the one who need guidance the most

But thinking back, that also means something. That is they are capable of becoming the person with hundreds of good quality, like the Prophets!

On the overpricing

So they like to haggle. By haggle, they actually increasing the amount of human communication. In the times when everything can be done virtually and digitally, this is what we need.

They are a lot of bad thing that they’ve done but when we think about it, they just want to promote a conversation. Like calling names and so on.

But really, I hate to be cheated and feeling cheated. That’s why I’m always the last person to buy any souvenir, because then, I wouldn’t need to hear any boastful comment of people getting extra discount.

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To conclude my post, I’m wondering:

1. Egyptian are just like that because their customs like that; or
2. They would’ve been worse, but it is a relief they are Muslims. I mean they still adhere to some if not all the guidance
3. Or it is just random. They are just they are.

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